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Saturday, April 9, 2011

Sad News: Somewhere Between Loss and Hope

This was our little Kid 2.0.

Was being the operative word. We lost the baby. I had some concerning bleeding this week and I went to the OB and got the news from the ultrasound that we had feared. The little flicker of a heartbeat that we had seen on the first ultrasound (as seen above) was no longer. 

Heartbroken is the only way to describe our emotions. Even though we knew that the small gestational sac would increase the risk of miscarriage, we held out hope. I drank as much water as humanly possible, made myself rest and prayed for a miracle. The final ultrasound actually showed a HUGE gestational sac compared to the previous one, but there hadn't been that much growth in the interim.

The problem with being a blogger is that you live your life often out loud and so things that are usually hidden behind closed doors are brought to my laptop. Miscarriage is a bit of a taboo subject that makes people uncomfortable. Trust me when I say it sucks from this side of it. So I had to make the difficult announcement on Facebook as well as the calls and texts to friends. It is actually much easier online than in person. Saves people from seeing the blubbering in real life. I have a headache from crying so much and am hiding my puffy eyes by wearing sunglasses like Paris Hilton with the paparazzi.

But at this time of grief, I want to say thank you.

To all who have left me wonderful messages expressing their concern, thank you.
To my friends who immediately made offers of red wine and tequila, thank you.
To those who have let me weep on the phone with them, thank you.
To my co-workers who have given me as much time off as I need to grieve this baby, thank you.
To my church family who let me know the true meaning of community, thank you.
To my friends who have also known pregnancy loss and have given me hope, thank you.
To my mom and dad and sister and brother who know the pain of pregnancy loss and have offered nothing but love and support, thank you.
To my darling, darling daughter who reminds me daily what a beautiful gift a child is, thank you.
To my husband, there are no words. Thank you.
To my God who gave me the gift of this child for a brief but wonderful ten weeks, thank you.

I mourn, but not like those who have no hope.

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