Barbie vs. the Kid, Round 1

So in my attempt to foist unrealistic images of feminine beauty on the unsuspecting fruit of my loins (now that's a pretty picture) I decided yesterday that the Kid needs a doll. Unfortunately, the only doll we had in our house was a Barbie doll that someone gave me for my daughter several months ago, despite the fact that those teeny Barbie shoes are SUCH a choking hazard. My evil curiosity got the better of me and I broke it out of its packaging and presented it to the Kid. Before I give you the lowdown on the Rumble in the Jungle, part deux, I have a few observations of the Barbie doll.

I did try to offer some diversity by offering her first doll as an African-American Barbie. I don't think those even existed when I used to play with (ahem, cut the hair off of) my Barbies back in the 80's. When she gets older, though I will have to explain some things to her.

-First, no black girl has hair that looks like that naturally without a weave, extensions or an unholy alliance between her hairdresser and the devil. Unless you are Beyonce, of course (rolling my eyes).

-Ballerina Barbie was wearing a thong. I mean, I know it is supposed to be a leotard, but we are not on the beaches of Brazil where cellulite doesn't exist. She should cover it up a little, Mattel.

So on to the main event. In this corner (gesturing to stage left), we have the Kid, weighing in at 22 lbs. She is known for chewing paper and destroying sensitive documents. In this corner (gesturing to stage right), we have Ballerina Barbie, weighing in at 8 oz and she appears to be freakishly tall for her weight. She is known for her ability to pirouette while being scantily clad! (bell rings). The Kid stares her down for about 15 seconds. The silence in the arena is deafening. Then with a quick left hook...

Ballerina Barbie is down for the count! The crowd goes wild!

And the winner is...the Kid!!!